A few years ago, I got into the fitting room to try on a new per of trousers for New Year.
The New Year trousers I chose were beautiful, blacks with a special cut and delicate white stripes that go all the way down. I remember them to this day. Inside the cramped fitting room, the trousers were narrower than usual and the button, barely agreeing to surrender to the bear hug of the trouser loop, with dissatisfaction and protest. Defeated, I asked the seller for size 40.
The bigger trousers fit. They were beautiful, but I didn’t want them anymore, they didn’t make me happy anymore. From every angle I looked at the large mirrors of the locker, I could tell they were no size 38.
I remember walking out of the store empty-handed and continuing to run around the pre-holiday arrangements and shopping. But when I had a quiet moment to think about it, I felt very sad and disappointed. Not because I gained weight, it was clear to me that my weight had not changed. I was disappointed to find that the size of my pants affected my mood.
I knew different stores, and different brands had different measurements and sizes, but the fact that I knew it, didn’t affect how I felt. I didn’t feel good enough. To me, the size of the pants was a grade, and my grade dropped. I’ve deteriorated. Because the world I grew up in taught me that the smaller my trousers, the higher my score.
I know it’s dumb, I really felt dumb. Size 38,40,48 Who cares?
For several years now, I have been making this journey, learning and confronting my beliefs and principles with the twisted body image I grew up on. Studying self-love, studying compassion and to avoid criticism. Reminding myself repeatedly that the size of the clothes, and body weight are just a number, like a barcode, like a shipping number, are a random number that says nothing about how much I’m worthy.
I choose to deal with virtues like compassion, kindness, heartwarming, giving, love, empathy… these are the only virtues that people and myself can be measured by.
These are the standards that I choose, define, and give them inner meaning, rather than the standards that others try to impose on me, from the outside.
I wish us all a year of complete health. A year of virtue. A year in which we can, define for ourselves, what is important and what is right. To choose and act according to our inner compass, with honest love for ourselves, just as we are, and with love for those around us. Spread light and joy, keep on walking, learn and fulfill.
I have no idea what will I wear this year, at the holiday dinner, But I am sure to wear the most precious piece of jewellery I have, my smile!
Because that’s all that’s important.
Happy holiday 😃